booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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