I wish I could teleport
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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