you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
