I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
