matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
