She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
