Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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