Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
