Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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