I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
