every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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