Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
