My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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