By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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