im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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