a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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