When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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