the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
