My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
