walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
