The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
