Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
he thought i was a dude.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
