Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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