I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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