Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
