I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize