My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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