I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
