either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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