im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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