Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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