Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize