Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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