They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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