Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
