Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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