apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
