One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
