went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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