Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
