i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
