Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
