yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
