the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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