Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
