No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
