i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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