He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
BRING THE BAGELS
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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