So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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