my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
