They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
