I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
