my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
