Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
