He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
