I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
