Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
