Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
