When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
We got so high we made milksteak
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
